Yesterday was quite a day. The night before last, I didn't sleep... that is until 6 am. Then I had to wake up at 7 to get my son ready for school, dropped him off and ran back home to sleep some more. I got up at 10:30 but by that time I took a bath, got myself and my daughter ready and picked up my son from school because they had early out. We suspected within the last month that my dd needed glasses because she was getting headaches towards the end of school. I finally took her in to the optometrist last week and she indeed needed glasses. Oddly enough, she was excited and the doctor's office called a few days ago to say they were ready. Well, I live in a small town so the optometrist we saw is in another town about an hour away and we needed to drive there to pick them up. Driving out of town with kids is always tons of fun... NOT! It ended up taking me 2 hours to get out of town. By the time we got over to the other town got glasses and visited a Hobby Lobby and got back it was like 6. My dd & ds both drove me nuts with their talking and their incessant need to say "mommy" before each sentence.
When we finally got home, I decided to take a pill that they prescribed to me for insomnia and would supposedly also help with my anxiety. I've taken it a few times and I never have felt right, so I decided to take half a pill last night. It definitely did it's job of putting me to sleep but the next day I'm always groggy. To make matters worse, I have also noticed that I'm more anxious instead of less and it give me crazy munchies! Next week when I go back to my head doctor, I'm going to let them know. The doctor said that it is a much better drug than xanax but after taking it I feel like I need a xanax.
After my dad passed away and my mom started dating her boyfriend (just a few months after my dad's death), I go really depressed and gained about 20 lbs over a summer. I moved states and made my husband quit his dream job (something that still affects both of us now) just so we could move in with my mother who was already depressed before the sudden death of my father because they had become empty nesters when my sisters moved to college. Being the other child that had the ability to get up and move, I felt it best for her mental heath that we move in with her. My dh and I are both the oldest and have always said that when our parents needed us that we would be there for them. When my mom was asked out on a date, I actually pushed her to get out there so that she wouldn't turn into one of those ladies who never looked for companionship and were 75, alone & miserable. She was only 47 when she became a widow. Backing up a bit, when my father passed my mom had a loooong line of men that showed up at her office to give her their personal condolences and a "shoulder to cry on." She couldn't see through their guise but I could. When I found out that the man she was dating was one of them I FLIPPED. Within a few short months, I went from being the super daughter who left everything to take care of her, to an adult daughter who should not need her mommy anymore. She was rarely at home and made us feel like we were intruding because by us being there she wasn't there. To this day she really has hurt my feelings. We lived there for almost 2 years. Two weeks before we moved out, I reminded her on a daily basis that we would be moving out of state and she would no longer see her grandchildren on a daily basis. But even then, she would only get home like at 8:30 and see the kids for 30 minutes before they fell asleep. To think of it really riles up bad feelings. But that's the back story on why I gained so much weight and why after finally losing it, I cannot afford to gain it back again.
Summary: Don't make permanent changes for temporary problems and not all prescriptions work the way they should.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
What's Up, Doc?
Ah, what he hay?! I'm looney (looney as in Looney Toons, I don't care what Webster says) and if you're reading this you may be, too! I've dealt with depression in long spurts since I was about 14. My upbringing wasn't perfect, or anything near that, but I've come to the conclusion that my depression is genetic and my imperfect childhood only hastened the arrival of my inherited doom.
I started seeing a psychiatrist in June or July of this past year and have been seeing a counselor almost weekly since August. The psychiatrist was detrimental in my chemical dependency to anti-depressants and the like. Being chemically dependent sucks but it's not to create a high only to make me more normal since my body chemistry is all screwed up. The counselor has been wonderful on my journey to stop trying to make others happy and start making myself happy; Who am I kidding? It's mostly just a place to dump all the crap I've accumulated and take a nice breather from that invisible chip I carry around. It would be wonderful to stop trying to please everyone and only do things to please myself, but it would be equally as wonderful to own a unicorn that sh*ts rainbows (Who in the hell wants doody duty? Rainbows are much more pleasant.)
I'm a people pleaser and don't have any qualms on fessing up to it. I want to please EVERYONE, it gives me extreme anxiety to think that I, even possibly, upset or disappointed anyone. I've even become a pretty good chameleon to try to fulfill my need to please everyone. Hell, I've gone back to spell check and question my grammar several times because I'm afraid of someone, I've never met, questioning my intelligence based on my grammar. I'm a chameleon. I change based on who I'm around. I can act more or less of anything to fit in with those around me. My mother in law is VERY prude, so I avoid conversations that we most probably have conflicting points of view and or hold my tongue as much as I can.
I'm not easily manipulated by people though, there are only 2 people in the world that my Subconscious gives full access to manipulate me. I hate that SOB, he's always letting things happen that my conscious-self says isn't ok. Yes, I think it's a "he", otherwise he wouldn't give me so many problems and would probably be more considerate of my feelings. Ok, ok, I'm getting to my point; the only 2 people who have total control over my emotions are my husband and my mom. They know it, too. They exploit and take advantage of it. It's sickening and disheartening but I continue to allow the abuse. I cannot explain it and, THAT, ladies and gentlemen is why I am looney.
Getting back to the not-easily-manipulated thing, in high school, my favorite word was "No"and I had very little problems saying it as awkward as it was. It even REALLY irritated me when someone would try to talk me out of my initial response of, "No."
Since I'm going to divulge a lot of personal information, I'm going to try to be as discreet as I can be of identifying information. I am about to hit 30 and never finished college, I have a husband and 2 children a boy (6) and a girl (5). They will come up often; my world revolves around them. I have several sisters and one brother. My father passed away a few years ago, and even though he was the main source of my childhood traumas and was an alcoholic, I miss him so much. My mother lives about 10 hours from me and has a boyfriend she started dating only a few months after my dad passed (story for another day). I've made some really piss-poor choices in my life and am constantly beating myself up about them. It's hard enough living with myself, much less with others that make me feel worse. Follow me through my battle and struggle to feel happy and let go of my tormentors.
I started seeing a psychiatrist in June or July of this past year and have been seeing a counselor almost weekly since August. The psychiatrist was detrimental in my chemical dependency to anti-depressants and the like. Being chemically dependent sucks but it's not to create a high only to make me more normal since my body chemistry is all screwed up. The counselor has been wonderful on my journey to stop trying to make others happy and start making myself happy; Who am I kidding? It's mostly just a place to dump all the crap I've accumulated and take a nice breather from that invisible chip I carry around. It would be wonderful to stop trying to please everyone and only do things to please myself, but it would be equally as wonderful to own a unicorn that sh*ts rainbows (Who in the hell wants doody duty? Rainbows are much more pleasant.)
I'm a people pleaser and don't have any qualms on fessing up to it. I want to please EVERYONE, it gives me extreme anxiety to think that I, even possibly, upset or disappointed anyone. I've even become a pretty good chameleon to try to fulfill my need to please everyone. Hell, I've gone back to spell check and question my grammar several times because I'm afraid of someone, I've never met, questioning my intelligence based on my grammar. I'm a chameleon. I change based on who I'm around. I can act more or less of anything to fit in with those around me. My mother in law is VERY prude, so I avoid conversations that we most probably have conflicting points of view and or hold my tongue as much as I can.
I'm not easily manipulated by people though, there are only 2 people in the world that my Subconscious gives full access to manipulate me. I hate that SOB, he's always letting things happen that my conscious-self says isn't ok. Yes, I think it's a "he", otherwise he wouldn't give me so many problems and would probably be more considerate of my feelings. Ok, ok, I'm getting to my point; the only 2 people who have total control over my emotions are my husband and my mom. They know it, too. They exploit and take advantage of it. It's sickening and disheartening but I continue to allow the abuse. I cannot explain it and, THAT, ladies and gentlemen is why I am looney.
Getting back to the not-easily-manipulated thing, in high school, my favorite word was "No"and I had very little problems saying it as awkward as it was. It even REALLY irritated me when someone would try to talk me out of my initial response of, "No."
Since I'm going to divulge a lot of personal information, I'm going to try to be as discreet as I can be of identifying information. I am about to hit 30 and never finished college, I have a husband and 2 children a boy (6) and a girl (5). They will come up often; my world revolves around them. I have several sisters and one brother. My father passed away a few years ago, and even though he was the main source of my childhood traumas and was an alcoholic, I miss him so much. My mother lives about 10 hours from me and has a boyfriend she started dating only a few months after my dad passed (story for another day). I've made some really piss-poor choices in my life and am constantly beating myself up about them. It's hard enough living with myself, much less with others that make me feel worse. Follow me through my battle and struggle to feel happy and let go of my tormentors.
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